What is compassion?
Compassion is the ability to recognise the humanness in another's suffering whilst also having the desire to want to help and support another through it. It is about being 'witness to' rather than becoming a part of it, and having capacity to tolerate and hold the emotional discomfort that may arise in the process.
To compassionately hold space for another means to give our complete undivided attention to the person and their situation, and allow them to be exactly as they are no matter what our personal opinions, thoughts and feelings may be around it. It is about offering radical acceptance, which doesn't mean we have to necessarily agree with the other person/situation, or that we allow our own boundaries for Self-care to be crossed. Instead it is about connecting in with and appreciating their full human experience and 'being with it' as it is, and wanting to actively support the other in their process towards wellness.
It is different from empathy which is the ability to sense another's emotions and imagine what that is like for them. In short, empathy is to 'feel with' and compassion is about encompassing a genuine desire to take action in helping another move through their struggle and promote their well-being.
In life, when we have been hurt by others , it can feel hard to feel anything other than the hurt that has been caused to us, it can be hard to see another's humanity when we feel wronged, and it can feel too hard to have compassion towards another's suffering when we are encased in ours. This kind of self protection is a natural emotional response and yet true compassion is about going beyond emotional rationalisation and finding it within ourselves to recognise the human in front of us and hold space despite our personal hurt, whilst still maintaining our personal boundaries for self-care.
So what would it be like if we could hold space for ourselves in the same way?
Many of us have 'parts' of us that we are critical of and prefer to shut down, avoid, dismiss or deny the pain those parts carry, and this is where self- compassion becomes key within the therapy process; the learning to witness ourselves through the lens of compassion and extend our appreciation, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness to all parts of ourselves. While self-compassion may seem counterintuitive to some, it is a vital aspect of personal growth and overall well-being.
The Benefits of Compassion
Compassion, whether directed towards others or ourselves, offers numerous benefits that positively impact our lives through enhancing our overall mental, emotional and physical well-being, including restoring the body's natural healing and growth processes. Compassion signals to our nervous system, I am safe to be me, and this allows our system to operate optimally. Engaging in acts of compassion also releases feel-good hormones, such as oxytocin, which promote feelings of happiness and reduce stress levels.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Personal Growth
Self-compassion plays a crucial role in personal growth and development. Often, we can be our own harshest critics, constantly judging ourselves and setting unrealistic expectations. However this type of self-critical mindset acts like putting a brake on for our nervous system which senses it as threat and can create further dysregulation for us. We must compassionately befriend and accept all parts of ourselves before we can change and grow.
By cultivating self-compassion, we learn to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. Instead of berating ourselves for our mistakes or perceived shortcomings. This compassionate approach allows us to forgive and embrace any imperfections we may believe we have, and view the discomfort that arises from them as opportunity for growth and learning.
Self-compassion also encourages self-care and self-acceptance. When we prioritize our well-being and acknowledge our worthiness, we are more likely to engage in activities that nurture our personal growth.
Importantly, self-compassion helps us develop a healthier perspective on failure. Rather than viewing failure as a reflection of our worth, we begin to understand it as a natural part of our learning process and of life. We become more resilient in the face of setbacks, knowing that we have the capacity within us to be with challenge and also get through it.
In short, we learn to give ourselves more grace. This mindset shift enables us to approach new endeavours with greater courage and curiosity, as we are not limited by the fear of making mistakes or being wrong. We have less and less need to hide and/or limit ourselves and can own our journey with integrity.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is a gradual process that requires practice and patience, especially if it is not something you are used to giving yourself. It is useful to remember, self-compassion is not about self-indulgence or avoiding responsibility. It is about acknowledging our humanness, embracing any perceived imperfections, and fostering personal growth through extending a warmth and understanding towards oneself.
If what you have read is speaking to you and you would like to find out more about how my therapy approach can support you in cultivating your self-compassion, I invite you to book a free 15 min call with me, you can do so by clicking here.
